Find Yourself A New Enemy

Toxic Family & Friends: Tips for The New Widow

I lost my husband on a sunny July day a little over three years ago. At that time I turned to writing on social media to heal the pain of this sudden loss. Below you will find my first post and the a post from that following winter. It was a tremendous time of learning and the experience has deepened my wisdom in ways I could not have foreseen. One of the things I learned was that toxic people do not belong in your life. They should be swiftly notified and then released. My goal has always been to share my story in order to alleviate the suffering of others.

August 2016

I lost my husband two weeks ago. And even though no marriage is perfect and ours certainly was not, I am finding the pain intense and almost unbearable. I look back at the photo above and remember the hope and promise of the early years and my heart literally breaks in two. There are no words to describe how it felt to drive with my younger daughter 15, to find my older daughter 17, so I could break the news to them together. My precious Siena was texting and playing music while tears streamed down my face. She looked so happy and I knew my words would change her life forever.

Now I wake at 5:00 a.m. and for a brief moment I don’t remember what happened, and I think it is just another normal day. I can hear the birds chirping and my little piece of heaven awakening beyond my window, and then I remember.

The days ahead will be difficult, but I look forward to them, and one day waking in the morning without crying.

Rest in peace my dear. You are in my prayers.

Winter 2017

When you are grief stricken and vulnerable it’s easy to tell who is there for your good and who is not. There are people that are suppose to love you, but do not, this is a fact of life. And I have allowed close to me those who have actively worked against me, and a few others who have displayed such a blatant disregard for the feelings and well being of my family, that I am astonished by their actions and lack of compassion. I won’t go into too many details here, but they know who they are and exactly what they have done.

As I walk this path, there are many surprising twists and turns along the way. I’ve written before that I am overwhelmed by the love and support showered on my family by our many friends, loving neighbors and my large and extended family since the unexpected death of my husband in July. Sadly, there are a few people who have taken advantage of the situation and have not been so kind.

The Christmas before last I spent three weeks in Truckee. This is typically my favorite thing to do. We’ve spent most of our Christmas’s there over the last ten years and I love decorating the tree with our collection of snowman decorations, and skiing on Christmas Day and all of our many traditions established over the years, but in 2014 I was working on my heart. I read the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho for the second time and I realized I had lost my heart as a guidance system in my life. So, I spent a lot of time that vacation reading and writing and thinking about my life and specifically my heart.

One day, the my daughters went snow boarding and I went to a yoga class in Truckee. The studio was very warm, the floor covered in rose pedals, and tiny white candles were placed all around the perimeter of the room. As the snow outside was falling, the instructor did a pose with us to open our hearts. I thought this ironic since it was what I had been reading and thinking about. After the class and all of that day, I could literally feel my heart melting. It was a strange feeling and I cried a lot that day. I decided then that I wanted to keep my heart open, as the Alchemist advises, so I would not lose my guidance system and therefore access to my true self.

The next day I went skiing with just my older daughter. It was ten degrees below zero at 7:00 a.m. when I had walked the dog, and it was not much warmer by mid morning. It was so cold that we had to stop at the small lodge at the top of Northstar Resort for hot chocolate. My daughter being a teenager was wearing a fleece jacket. And as we were leaving the lodge to go back out into the cold she asked me if we could trade jackets, and being her mother I handed over my thick warm down jacket without thinking and wore hers. We had run into our friend while warming up and the three of us left to ski the blacks on the backside of Lookout Mountain. With fresh snow and the low temperature the conditions were perfect and we skied all of that frosty afternoon.

I had never been so cold, but it felt good. It felt completely purifying, like the cold could kill every single thing that could ever be wrong with you. Later, I read an article that cold therapy is now being used to treat many diseases and I wasn’t surprised because I felt on that day my heart had been completely healed and I could be open to whatever came next in my life.

That was not quite two years ago, but it feels like an eternity. I am stunned that so much has changed since that day, but the decision to keep my heart open has remained and because of it I can feel when people are hurting me. I no longer stuff it with a Snickers bar and pretend it’s not happening. I bravely feel it and it hurts like hell.

The good news is, now I know who these people are, and I can protect myself and my family. And if I want a Snickers bar I can have one, not because I need one, but because I want one.